I guess this is the page where I am being selfish and self indulgent. Your words not mine.
Your words not mine, my truth not yours.
I'm 17. I'm childish, I'm impatient and I lash out when put in a corner.
I have had problems with depression since I was 11 years old and I was bullied by my best friend, I didn't know what it was then, I thought it was saddness. Well that saddness has lingered and developed into this cancer, this depression that comes back time and time again. I cope with it well, all things considered, I rarely tell people or let it show, and when I do it's not just an off day, but an off week, an off month. That's how I am. I bottle things until they almost kill me.
In April 2010 I changed apparently, I don't think I did, I just stopped hiding how I felt so much, and you know people didn't like it, I argued more, I ended up becoming a mess in June, I self harmed. I used to hide knives and do it, I did it in front of my family, I had my dad grab me, hold my wrist down and threaten to do it himself, no one knows that happens except my family.
Thing is that month made me realise they didn't want to know, they didn't want to think about it, my mum says I was being silly, she didn't understand. She used to know I cried and never did anything because I couldn't say what was wrong.
I have grown up like this. First time I probably self harmed I was 12 or 13, I did it because I heard other people did to make themselves feel better and you know it worked at times. I didn't scar at that age, except the cut on my hand, then that was out of, I don't quite know but this hollowness inside tinged with bordeom as my family were shoe shopping, I scratched until it bled. It's still there, it's 5 and a half years old. I don't always cut, I have arguements at home and I scratch myself, because I can't controll how I feel, and I can't deal with it. It's too much for inside of me.
I'm a fuck up. I'm only too human.
"I want my life to begin, all I have to do is let the right ones in."
Only Human Sometimes-William Control
