What I really meant by platonic

Dear Tommy,


I'm utterly heartless and cruel to you, I don't mean to be, but I am. I'm bad for you, I really am. But I'm here for you, when and if you need me. I'm sorry I don't mean to be so awful, I honestly don't. I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose.

One Tommy, I wouldn't be in a relationship if I thought it was only temporary, to me that's just wrong. Life is for living with as much meaning as you can give it, so why start false things like that? I really do, honestly care for you. I love you, it's the reason I started this blog.

Two, I'm sorry if I ever made this sound it was like a temporary relationship, it's not. I was wanted you to know I don't know if it's going to last, because very little does, it's a normal thing to feel. No one, least of all me honestly wants their future mapped out, and for me that a lot more than I want, I never want to know my future exactly. I don't want my life already planned out, I want to explore and grow up, but things are how they are. I'm with you, and your stuck with me for the seeable future.

Maybe we will last, maybe we won't. But whatever happens I loved you as my best friend before and that's always going to be a big part of our relationship, the biggest of it all. Best friends before, during and even after if anything happens. As close as close. I've told you more than anyone else, and I wouldn't have if I didn't trust you, I'm a really guarded person a lot of the time. You have been one of the only people, and really the only one I have ever told truthfully how low I have been and how much I've needed someone at what you call, sub-life crisis.

And finally, I meant as I have hopefully explained, I meant platonic was the underlying love, the foundations and the beginning of any other love there is, which there is a lot of. I love you so much! Let's just run awaay and get married, I'M JOKING! But I do love you, and I'm not joking about that.

I love you Babydoll

Lea xxx

Confession

Dear Tommy,


There is some things that are bothering me, and I feel like a bitch even writing this. You know how much I care, and to be honest you can't imagine how much I worry-you really can't. Even saying we need to talk, you just assume it's bad, it isn't. I just need to talk to you and be serious, but I feel like you misinterpret whatever I say and so I end up feeling really bad and worry if you don't text back. It's paranoia! It's not good in the least, it really isn't.

I know how you feel about me, but I don't think you know how I feel, not fully. I know this isn't going to last, to me nothing does, but I know this isn't. It's the age thing and a bunch of other stuff. The stuff being my age, my mindset, and I'm nowhere near ready for any of it and I just don't think it's going to last forever. I hate writing this, I really do. Trust me on that.

I feel like right now, at times that I can't be free or if/when we break up, if anything happened to you it would be my fault. You have already said what would happen if we broke up, and I know what you are like. You know what your like, and that phonecall last week, that kind of thing really sticks in your head. I don't want to be the cause of all that coming back, you honestly deserve to be happy. I'm just being really selfish aren't I?

I have never met anyone who deserves to be loved and have a great life more than you. But I don't think I can do it. You only love me because I "helped" you and you think you need me. You don't, sweety you don't. I honestly just fuck with your head. I'm debating whether to post this or not, because I'm scared of your reaction. I love you, but I don't know if I'm going to love you like this forever, it's always going to be more of a platonic love. Like I've said before it's how we started, and it's always going to be there.

It's going to be a brilliant summer though, just me, you and whatever we do!

Things will happen.

Good and bad.

Just be grateful, for the times we have had.

I actually just made that up, in a noisy school library, because that is what I'm thinking. Just because it won't last isn't a reason not to try, because sometimes even if you fail, or things don't work it can be some of the best memories. But you, Tommy deserve so much more than me. I am everything you don't want, everything you don't need. I'm not right for you. Your sweet, caring, everything anyone could ever want.

So, Tommy don't worry be happy, because that's all we can do, and one day you will find someone perfect. Someone you love because you don't need them and found in happier times, you deserve that and so much more. But I'm still scared if anything bad happens you'll just mess yourself up, and I can't trust you not to.



Seriously don't worry!

 

I love you Babydoll

Lea xxx

My Darling are you satisfied?

Dear Tommy,

I'm pretty sure you won't get this reference, and if you do then I'll be very happy, if not I can enlighten you! It's an epic song, though I only mean that line....it's actually about fans and a band. It's cool, extremely ravey, AND makes me wanna dance. Now I've actually forgotten what I was going to say...

But yeah, I got it. I think, I have. Or this is a little tangent and odd ramblings. Well, that is what I'm like: completely hopeless. More so than you think, you know when you meet me you won't recognise me  scrap that, I can sound smart and mature but I'm not. I have my times, but I act really stupid and really immature, I spent most of a shopping trip looking at children's clothes! I bought Spiderman patches, for fuck's sake. I'm nothing like who you want me to be, I can't and I never will. I played lego at a sleepover, and piggy-in-the-middle, I was the most immature and I was the oldest by a year and a bit. I had a ton of fun, and yes, you  heard the phone call, we were sucking up Haribos! That's not even me being particularly odd, or immature, more like the tip of an ice berg.

I'm not always being mature or behaving, I have hours where the littelest thing makes me giggle. I'm honestly still a child, and I don't want to grow up because I'm actually happy being this way. I love being immature a lot, I have more fun. It's just the way I am.

I love you Babydoll


Lea xxx

Forever

Dear Tommy,


There's a lot of things people will never be able to agree on, and with us this may be one of those things. To me forever is such an alien concept, to you it's something true and is real. But I guess anything is possible, yet still to me I don't believe in it, I don't think I ever will. Children say forever, and it never happens and if it does, it's rarely. Trust me, I've meant to be friends with people, and that's a lot easier, it always is, and it doesn't work not all the time. But we WILL always be friends, it's how this started and how it will always be. Friends before lovers. That's something you need to know, it's always going to be true!

The idea of forever actually freaks me out for several reasons; I'm 16, and in my mind that makes me still a kid, and I'm one at heart too, as well as being extremely immature at times, you have no idea. Then there's the whole I'm such a loser your my first boyfriend, plus I just don't like the thought of knowing my future. That doesn't help when I have no clue what I'm doing in six months.

So yeah, it's odd to me, and I'm really unsure about everything; my future, my life and where it's all going. But I know these things; right now I love you, and I want to be with you so much, and this is going to be the best summer ever. Don't worry, I always feel like I have to say this, because sometimes I feel I can't trust you, and some of the phone calls we've had have scared me so much I just can't trust you to be okay, as bad as that sounds, it's true.

I love you, and I owe you this: the truth, because when you love someone that's what you owe them. I hate lying to people I love unless it's to protect them, harmless or in jest. Believe me I do love you, but I don't believe in forever, but I do believe we are going to be friends for life no matter what. Remember friends before lovers. Anything else should be seen as a bonus, something else. I just never want to hurt you, so you should know this. It's not me being horrible, I hope, just honest.

I love you Babydoll


Lea xxx

Why

Dear Tommy,


I'm making this for you, because last night I was convinced in my head something more awful than what did happen did, and I couldn't face it. I honestly never knew how much I actually needed you or loved you. That's the way it is, when you think you're going to loose something you see it's true value.


Well, Tommy you are priceless. No one could replace you, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat, I slept out of sheer exhaustion and the fact that way I wouldn't remember anything. Waking up I was fine until I remembered, because I thought you weren't there.


Tommy, I love you. I really do. All I wanted to tell you was that if we don't last, I want to give it the best damn shot. The best, nothing less.


I love you Babydoll


Lea xxx