The things that no one will ever know.
I love you, a part of me still loves you even after this. I don’t choose for that part to go on living. I want it to die, to choke and suffocate along with the way I used to be. The happy, care-free girl, the child, before I was nothing less than forced to grow up into someone who no longer freely trusts everyone they meet, the less naïve person who has that chasm ever widening inside. The chasm, don’t flatter yourself was already there, full of pain, anguish and the silent sufferings of another person on this planet. Depression isn’t something that just disappears ever, it lingers in my very soul. I wasn’t born to be happy, I work to be happy, I really do. You can’t tell how I feel, if I can’t be honest to myself. Have you ever sat there laughing, and smiling being the picture of happiness only to think “I’m sad, I’m depressed,” to then walk away thinking of a noose, of a razor blade, an end? I don’t think you have. In fact I’d bet that you haven’t. I don’t let people in, not really. The walls I have built up, they are never coming down again, NEVER. I’m going to grow up that little bit more, because there’s not much left now to go, not after this, and they will stay there. I’ve always been scared of falling in love and now I never want to, not again. You are the first and last person I loved like that. You say all you want to do is good, if that’s true then why the fuck did you say any of those things, there will never be an excuse. I don’t even want to live right now, I want out. I actually want out, I want to fall asleep and not wake up. The only time I ever feel alright now is when I’m escaping my thoughts, around friends or so absorbed in something else. But even then you haunt my thoughts. This isn’t fair on me, I don’t want you in my life. I am sick of people talking at me, you don’t know me, you don’t care about me, you have no right to even think about me. You fucking… You have no idea how I react to things, and even if you were with me, I could act my way out of it, because I don’t let anyone that close. I have done that once, and once is enough to teach me: NEVER AGAIN. I loved you so much I lost part of myself. It’s too late now, sorry was never going to cut it, it never could have. I may forgive you at times, but I can’t let you in ever again. You don’t know how much that hurts, I’m sick of being in this position. I hate love, every time I have ever loved someone it never had a chance and the one time it did, all I got from it was sleepless nights, and scars. Yes, scars, you really don’t give a shit. I hadn’t hurt myself in a while, in any form, and then this it just wears away and now I will probably have these scars for a long time. And you know something what the hell, I actually want to right now, and guess what I have. I don’t even feel bad about it this time, I will later and you know why? Because of Scarlett, she’s told me never to do something so silly again. I fucking respect her, and she is such a good friend I should listen to her. I feel so empty and even this doesn’t make me feel. If anything all I feel is fucking anger at you. In 3 Days Grace’s words, “The animal I have become” read that, I am a animal now. I have got to the point where right now, in this moment in time NOTHING matters anymore.
7 scars for every person I have ever loved and hurt me.
17.46 24.7.2011
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