My Therapy

Dear Tommy,


I have been falling to pieces for a long time, I'm always falling to pieces I suppose. Everyone is.

I can't take it anymore. The things you say, the way it's affecting me, my mental health! I can't concentrate, I have to hold something so I can sleep, I get anxious to the point I can't breathe properly and the anxiety doesn't go away easily. I'm a mess. This isn't the work of what happened between us, I think but it has triggered a lot. I have had needed people so much it's sick, and it disgusts and embarasses me, more than I can say. You know Scarlett knows, the kid is 15, 16 in November, she doesn't know the whole truth but a lot, this isn't something she should even know about, she doesn't have an easy homelife. You don't know what her life is like! She is a child.

Oh and Nessa, she is a life safer. The night I thought you died, well, she was talking to me the whole time. You couldn't imagine, I can't how difficault it was for her. You have no idea. Her boyfriend killed himself, she self harmed badly, she had therapy, she lived through hell. But she still helped me, and I know it was hard for her, she loved him so much.

I cried that whole night. I walked into school I was okay until Hallejulah by Jeff Buckley came on and I was asked if I was okay by a friend, I started to break down and half ran to the toilets. I sat on the floor and just lets the tears go silently as I had my "friends" outside asking if I was okay, saying I could talk to them. I never  cry in school, not when I was bullied, and the only time I did was the day after my pet died and I was year 7 then, a little 11 year old. So you know if I'm upset if I cry in school or public. I had eaten nothing that day, or the dinner the day before. Feeling sick as soon as it went in my mouth, remembering how you were annorexic and didn't feel you deserved food, well I didn't then either. I only managed to eat after you text me. I was like a corpse that day, dead. I was punishing myself not eating, not thinking of anything but you. I only began to come to life when you text me, and that is true, I was curled up in the libary on a bean bag with Scarlett letting me lie on her.

And now.....well earlier...
"Im finished.arranged suicide.x"
"Cos im in a mental home. its done.x"

Clearly you fucking well need to be there. Admit it. It is not the end of everything or your life, you are there because you need to get better, you do have problems stop denying them and just tackle them, its easier to do now, and why else would you be there.

It's funny the palm of my hand hurts like I really scratched it but I didn't. Funny how I want to get a razor and just go down the line of pain. It isn't really. Or the fact I have realised the thighs are a good place to cut your legs up, but I go swimming now. Is that sane? NO! I admit I have my problems, hell I'm developing anxiety ones now. I actually honest to- I'd say God but I grew out of that long ago, I never believed and I never will, so lets go with...hell, more appropriate isn't it? So I am actually honest to hell have the start of an anxiety problem. I get panicky, I start to breathe too fast, had the worst one today in the car, on the way home from town when my Dad went to go pay for petrol, just me and Bradley in the car. I saw someone and in my head went they are kidna handsome, or some such. I started to mentally freak out, no reason to. I partly blame the song, "The boy who blocked his own shot," for bringing up memories, I began to breathe faster, I hunched forward and yeah. You know, my baby brother was in the car, what happens when this just gets worse? I protect him, I can't act like that near him.

I don't think I get like that a lot, actually I don't. very rare, and then it's stress, due to exams, that's normal. Fucking normal. That wasn't. Yet I have to go home and act normal, I get home and I cry. I go upstairs and I cry. I text Maggot, yeah Tom because last night he was texting me, he asked how I was and I don't know why I felt so low and lonely I text back, the honest truth. I couldn't be arsed with life. He made me feel better but it felt wrong, he even said he still cared for me, I don't know what sense he meant it in, but it doesn't matter-never again. Oh and love, that's gone on a vacation, or a little holiday, handed in it's notice, more like AWOL though. I don't want him before you accuse me of cheating, but that's how low I felt I replied to that text and felt bad about doing it.

Nessa she has helped as well, she has done so much, just by listening. You know she was the one person who would have been rooting all the way, except she thinks you mess with my head and are a cunt. She is blunt and you know I repsect what she says. Yet I defend you. I've been on teenhelp and childline, yes I HAVE sunk that low, and people have said this is a toxic relationship when they've seen what it has done to me. I don't know anymore. This is getting pretty angry sounding but I'm just writing and writing not knowing what else to do.

It's 2.50 am. I told my mum over an hour ago I would be in bed, I secretly left the internet on and pretended I was working on Bradley's birthday present. Yet I'm here doing this, whilst waiting for a childline counsellor. It's so nice when you realise how low you have sunk, how damaged you are, how much you don't actually know what to do.

It's funny I'm getting sleep, yet I don't feel right going to bed until I hear from you...which may never be again. The number of times I have thought you were dead or had you talk about things like this has been numerous 4-6 times. You have always been okay, never been dead, even I have believed you were truely dead, yet hoping and beliveing kind of foolishly that things like this shouldn't happen to good people, not people like you, because your life has been so unfair.

You were okay though, hurt but okay. The night you drank petrol on webcam, what was it....mmm 3 nights ago or more. I don't remember, I thought you were dead possibly. You ignored all my phone calls until late. Why? To hurt me, you fucking drank petrol in front of me, blamed me and then disconnect and say your cutting, I begged you to go to A and E. You can't say I don't care. You can never say that. You made me feel so guilty, and yes I admit I do deserve some blame, but like Nessa said I "didn't fucking force you to drink the petrol," so there.

If you die tonight, if you do commit suicide you don't know what you are doing to other people do you? Ironically I searched through my music for the song "It ends tonight," because I wanted to hear it when I called you and I thought you would answer. You didn't.

it ends tonight. what a song, what a phrase, what a fucking lie

It's ironic because if the worst has happened, which I'm hoping hasn't then that,that statement is true. It doesn't end the night you die, it ends the night all your friends, family, the people who knew you died. They are hurt by it, it affects them, it actaully increases the chance they will do the same. It's proven, it's not your fault, but death has a massive impact. I know how you were affected when your friends ODed. That was an accident, is this one? No. That hurts more. When I thought you died I cried so much my eyes were sore, my nose was rubbed raw and I had tissues everywhere.

As it is I can't focus or concentrate anymore. I don't know what is going on, as I write this it seems more like a story, something that happened to someone I know and I'm just venting how it made me feel. I don't know what I'm feeling because right now I'm empty, I'm hollow.

The lyrics to this song I wanted you to hear so maybe I could explain what happened between us, but I never had the chance.

Will Young-"Leave Right Now"

"I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I’m spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now "I bought that CD on Sunday, it's now catching on every track, especially this one. Kind of sad, but this song explains me and you, and how I feel at least. "Go your own way" by Fleetwood Mac kind of helps as well.

3.13am "The boy who blocked his own shot," that song has come on. Sitting in the car before my anxiety attack I put this song on, and I realised as I listened, it describes me, how I am, what I did, what I would do. The phrases, the words, it is me. It's a song with more meaning to me than I can explain, but seeing as I'm unlikely to sleep anytime soon why not?

I have listened to this band for years. I remember 2008 or 2009 making a dirary entry about how much it would mean if someone quoted the lines:

"You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins"

But the lines that made such a profound impact on me at the time were the last 2, "the smell before rain," "the blood in my veins," these lines still hold an effect on me. They inspire me. I knew that if someone ever quoted them to me I would cry or laugh in shock. More than likely I would cry, they are so beautiful.

Then in summer 2010, I was in Peru in a group of people, no one who really was a friend. I had this song on, it was dark and I was sketching somehow, because that's one of the few escapes I had, well pretending so
I could sit in the dark and cry by myself. Well I had stopped and that's when the leader Robin had come over and started talking to me, what he said actually made me cry harder, I wasn't homesick, just low, depressed and lonely. Oh so very lonely.He told me "tomorrow is a brand new day," well the line:

"I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate"

Played as he said it, or just after. I was shocked, when he walked away, I did cry more because I saw it as the only thing I believed in, in that one moment. It held such siginificance for me in that moment.

Then there's the night, the night that fucking scarred me, not when I thought you were dead, but were crying on the phone saying how you wanted oblivion telling me so many scary things, I saw some of the worst of you that night I can pretty much gurantee. You...you scared me, you said you'd kill anyone guy who ever touched me, and made me admit I could cheat on you, when I wanted to get wasted because at that point I already felt slightly suffocated and needed some time to forget and I remembered when I was drunk I didn't think, not at all. That doesn't mean I would go and do something sexual, I just wouldn't have things constantly iin my head for one day, one day off of that craziness, that was all I wanted, some time-out.

Well I listened and text you the whole song, it took me a while, by the time I finished the sky was light, birds were singing and we were both exhausted, I sent that text at 5.17 am the 12th of June 2011. I sent that song vecause of how much it meant to be, and you always expressed yourself through songs, and that's the best one I could think of, it was because I knew how much I hurt you, even then.

3.34am if I called and you answered what would I actually say? I don't think I know, that's why earlier I swoere at you, I just did it, because I was worried and I felt weak, I resent ever feeling like that, so I did lash out. It's natural I suppose, not fair but natural. Like life I guess...

Oh and there's also the time I sent you the link when we had an arguement once, I saw you cry on webcam in your bobble hat, I love that hat.

I don't know what to do...

What if you are okay? I can't be with you again and I should let you go, stop being so selfish and just let you go, but it's like you were my best friend. One of the best The best friend I ever had, and it's too hard to say goodbye, it would be the best for both of our mental health, but sometimes people just can't do the right thing and it isn't what they want, it's not what I want. I know that. But I hurt you, yet you hurt me equally but I'm a silent victim. You know you added a child to a conversation and you know whar that was? Bullying and abuse, I never did it to you. Wouldn't dream of it, actually now I would. I'd add Scarlett or Nessa. Scarlett is kinder towards you. But Nessa, hahaha. She...well she thinks your a cunt and doesn't like you one bit, because she has seen how I get, not once but fucking repeatedly. She had her boyfriend buy her credit last Sunday after you yelled at me down the phone, I wanted to cry but I was out shopping with my sister and mum, what am I meant to do? I can't drop everything and have you explain a situation I cannot grasp. But I did, and you yelled at me, made me feel like shit. I texted her, she called me, I couldn't talk, she got her boyfriend to buy her credit becasuse she was that worried. That's not what people do normally, is it? Get so worried they do that.

She would tear you apart, but I know better than to do that, you should too, you are an adult, not a child. Why did you even add her? I know you aren't gay, your fucking bisexual, and that isn't a reason we broke up. My mental health has been getting worse and you know aspergers? People with it get OCD, that explains everything you ever felt for me. You used to think I did so much good for you, I didn't. You only thought it. I talked to you and listened the way anyone does, I just fell for you. I do that, I fall too easily. I hate it, but it happens. I wrecked your life, I never helped you, you wanted to believe that. Maybe I did help, by being a friend and listening, I don't know. Right now, I feel that part of the relationship is truely over, to the point it's all a blur and forgotten.

It's 4.02 am. I should go to bed, I'm going to go see friends tomorrow. People who don't know about anything that has happened, so I won't have to remember anything or mention it. I can forget, or try to. Except Tom, he knows, but he says he won't mention it, I'm just dreading the look of pity, the one where people feel bad and don't know what to say or do to let someone know it's okay. But he'll just be typical and go it'll be okay, when it won't.

You broke me Tommy.

That's wrong to say, but it kind of feels like it, like.... I can only quote yet more Brand New lyrics...

"Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind."

The song is called "Guernica," it's about when the singer was in Guernica and his grandad died but he couldn't get home, and he got the phone call, this is how he felt then.

I don't know how I feel anymore. I don't love you, but I want to know how you are. I kind of not feel real right now. I don't feel a single thing, I am so apathetic. I'm getting sleepy and I'll be woken up early and won't be able to tell anyone why I'm so moody or tired. How can I?

But I don't know how to end this. I really don't. Maybe with this:

"I have played the fool to madness,"

That is the only Arther Rimbaud I know, I want to read his "Season in Hell," I know you love/d it.

Is this truely the beginning of the end?


Lea xxx

I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are.

With all the love you need and deserve.

P.S. It's 4.17am and I still haven't been able to get through to Childline tonight nearly did, but I was so distracted writing this.